Enough?

Something I shared with an amazing group of gals a few weeks ago...

Good morning ladies. My name is Sarah. I grew up in Grand Forks, ND which is just on the other side of the border. I lived there my entire life until I moved here with my husband for his pediatric residency in the summer of 2009.  I am  possibly the only woman in this room who was ecstatic to find out I was moving to Rochester, MN. It’s bigger, hillier, and warmer than my home town. I know some of y’all are from the south and may have found your first winter here to be a bit on the chilly side, perhaps even unbearable, but the winters I’ve experienced here have been the warmest winters I have ever known. You first year gals don’t know what I’m referring to when I say people think the winters here are chilly because this winter has been tropical in my opinion, but if you stay here for any length of time you will have a better understanding of what the word cold means. I’d also like to add that when we moved here I was pleasantly surprised to see how hilly it is. I know some of you think it’s flat, but it’s not. You haven’t seen flat until you’ve been to the Red River Valley. The only hills in my hometown are 2 man-made overpasses.  I know I’m nearly back home when can see the sign at the local truck stop from 5 miles away.

My husband Jeff and I were set up during his 2nd year of medical school through mutual friends. They thought we would hit it off. When we first met I told my mom that Jeff was really nice and funny but that he was a little bit of a nerd to which she replied “Well you’re a nerd too, Sarah.” I guess that made us a  match because we got engaged 6 months later. Now we have been married for nearly 4 years and we have a fun-loving 18 month old named Benjamin and a little brother or sister in the making.

I grew up in a Christian home. My folks became believers a few years after they got married and taught all 4 kids in my family about God and His Love for us. I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 7 years old.  I grew up going to church, Sunday school, AWANA, Bible Camp, participating in worship team and so on.  I was a good girl and I didn’t give my parents much grief. My single act of rebellion was getting a third piercing in my left ear when I was 18 years old. I’m not sure if my “good girl” lifestyle is a result of learning from others’ mistakes or the Holy Spirit keeping me under His wing. Probably a combination of both. That’s not to say I haven’t struggled through life here and there….it’s just that I haven’t landed myself in jail, at least not yet. I used to think that my testimony wasn’t dramatic enough to be powerful until my old pastor helped me understand the power of my testimony  is in that the Lord has been protecting me from a life of darkness from that tender, little age when I first decided to follow Him. I like that.

My parents did a really good job of teaching me where my worth comes from….it comes from the Lord. I know that. But there is a vast difference between knowing something and believing something. And there have been many times in my life when I’ve questioned my worth, wondering whether or not I was enough. I think it’s human nature to be concerned with how we measure up against the world. When I was young I remember constantly comparing myself to my big sisters. They were pretty and talented and everybody told me so. As I got older I learned to compare myself to my friends. Some were more popular (well really most of them were), some were more intelligent, some were funnier (I know, hard to imagine, right?). Then I became a grown-up and got out in to the real world where I measured my success in my career against that of my colleagues. They worked longer hours. They were more respected and if you know me at all you won‘t be surprised when I tell you they were most definitely more mature. Then, at one time, I was an extremely overweight woman who had no trouble finding my external flaws every time I looked in the mirror or turned the corner and saw another skinny girl. I was the girl who walked into a room and immediately knew she was the biggest person there. The girl who hid behind humor. The girl who was certain that nobody could ever fall in love with her. Then I became a skinny girl….a really skinny, athletic girl and I still wondered if I was enough. Skinny enough. Fast enough. Fit enough. And now I’m a stay-at-home wife and mom and even though my life is full, I still find myself measuring my value against the world around me. There are stories of babies sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old and moms who wore their pre-pregnancy clothing out of the hospital. Well Benjamin didn’t sleep through the night until he was 5 months old and I still can’t wear my clothes from before I was pregnant (never mind I‘m back in maternity pants now). And then there are the doubts that I’m not nurturing my family as well as other women are. This one’s kid doesn‘t pee down the air vents (yes, that really happened), and that one’s kid doesn’t throw tantrums.  Or there are thoughts that I’m some kind of homemaker when there are 7 pairs of shoes sitting in the entry way and I only cooked dinner for my husband 2 times last week and that it is not rare for my child to hand me dust bunnies that he finds about the house. I guess I should be thankful he’s not eating them, but you know what I’m getting at. There are the feelings of inadequacy when I realize that I’m supposed to be a grown woman, the wife of a professional, and I show up to gatherings wearing a hoodie, no make-up and no product in my hair while all of the other girls seem to be all done up and they look amazing in their cute clothes. So am I pretty enough? Smart enough? Funny enough? Successful, thin, nurturing, girly, yada, yada, yada enough? And here’s my conclusion. No. I am not. I am not enough. And yes, yes I am. I am enough. You see, according to the world’s standards I will never be enough. There will always be somebody who is more talented than I am. More successful, a more nurturing mother, a more attentive wife, and better at keeping their floors clean. But, thankfully, from the Lord’s perspective, I am enough….not because of who I am or anything I’ve done, but because He has made me “enough”.

2 Corinthians 5 says…“Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.”

God has made me in His image. He has rescued me from the miry clay. He has redeemed me. He knit me together. He sent His Son to die for me and then He drew me to Himself. He has a plan for me. If the Lord God Almighty has done all of this for me, then surely I must be enough. And this is why the Lord is reminding me to stop basing my worth, my substance, my very being on what I see in the mirror or in my laundry room. Because in His grace and mercy He has deemed me worthy of His love. Now this is not an excuse to ignore the dust bunnies or my family’s needs. I cannot simply say, “Hey, this is who I am and God loves me so deal with it.”

Colossians 3:23-24 says…“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.”

I should do my best, be my best, as a gift to the Lord. But it is a relief to know that when I fall short of my expectations of myself or the standards I think the world has set for me I can take comfort in knowing that I am enough for the Creator of the universe, and that’s good enough for me.

There are so many passage in the Bible which illustrate that none of us are enough on our own, but through Christ’s redemptive power we are enough. Here’s on that spoke to me.

Ephesians 2:1-10
“And you were dead in your trespasses and sins, in which you formerly walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, of the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience. Among them we too all formerly lived in the lusts of our flesh, indulging the desires of the flesh and of the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, even as the rest. But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been save), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift if God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.”

Now I am reminding myself that God is enough as we prepare to head to Missouri this summer where Jeff will be completing a 3-year fellowship in neonatology. It will break my heart to leave my sweet friends and to be so far away from family, but I know that God has chosen this place for us for this time. Please pray that we will find a church and good Christian fellowship quickly, that I will be able to adjust to life in the big city, and for our growing family.