Fat girl, skinny girl, and somewhere in between.

I've been a fat girl. I've been a skinny girl. And now I'm a mama who knows what it's like to be both, terrified of one and longing to be the other again. This post is not meant to drum up compliments nor is it for my own edification, so please don't feel the need to give attention to either. It's just that lately I've been thinking a lot about what it's like to be a woman, fat or skinny, or somewhere in between who struggles with the way she looks. Believe it or not, a girl can feel bad about herself if she's fat or if she's skinny. Self-image isn't really ever about a person's outward appearance. It's really about thoughts. I struggled with my feelings of worth when I was at my thinnest as much as I did when I was at my heaviest. When I was really overweight I was so self-conscious. Most of my energy was spent on being funny or friendly in hopes that people wouldn't notice how big I was. Usually I felt like I was the biggest person in every room I entered. Then with a lot of hard work, discipline, and let's be honest, a little bit of obsession I got skinny. It took forever to get there and most of the time I never felt like I had finished. It didn't seem to matter that I had dropped 7 dress sizes or that I had lost over 90 pounds. In my head I was still a fat girl. A negative self-image loomed over me. Over time and with Jeff's encouragement, I was able to become comfortable with myself for the most part. Then we started our family and the scale showed numbers I was all too familiar with and did not want to see again. I accepted the numbers knowing that my little baby needed those numbers and that if I had lost weight once I could do it again. Now here I sit, a mama who had her baby more than 11 months ago with "baby" weight left to lose and trying to do it again. My husband encourages me and tells me that I'm beautiful and that he wouldn't change a thing about me, but I would. I would lose these extra pounds and tone up. And yet, I wouldn't trade being a mama to my Benjamin. I can't go to the gym every day and I certainly can't justify spending hours at the gym when I have a family that I love so much. So I'm doing what I can (with the exception of a few extra cookies here and there) by getting out with the stroller, going to the gym when I can, and trying to be mindful of what I'm eating. And I'm telling myself that if my husband thinks I'm beautiful and God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made, then I'm okay just the way I am. Is my value in a number? Is yours? I am not less or more of a woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister or friend based upon my weight or size or outward appearance...and neither are you. I can't let the scale or the number on the tag of my jeans dictate how I feel about myself. What should dictate how I feel about myself is knowing that I was made in the image of God and He is beautiful. Now, off to the gym for a reasonable amount of time to find my strength, not my value:)