Hello, It's Mr. Nasty!

"Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of yourself? That a Pandora's box of all the secret, hateful parts - your arrogance, your spite, your condescension - has sprung open? Someone provokes you and instead of just smiling and moving on, you zing them? "Hello, it's Mr Nasty." I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about."

That's a quote from my all time favorite movie, "You've Got Mail". My husband teases me that YGM shouldn't be anybody's favorite movie. He wonders how I can love a movie where the leading man is a total jerk to the leading lady, ruins her career/life, and then realizes he made a mistake and gets the girl in the end. "Braveheart"- Now that's a movie. I guess he has a point, but I love it nonetheless.

Back to the quote though. Do you ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself? I do. Frequently. Sometimes I look back at my behavior and realize how selfish and unfair or unloving I have been. I feel so justified when that Pandora's box is opening up, but then when I really think about my part in whatever is happening around me I'm completely humbled. I wonder how can I be lovable? Maybe you don't know what I'm talking about, but I think when most people stop and look in the "mirror", the reflection they see is one their not always proud of. Sometimes when I see that reflection I see a woman who is blessed and loved and who has love to share with those around her. At other times, the hateful bits are in the forefront. I realize that I don't deserve all that I have...not the love of my husband and son, or of my family and friends, and I especially don't deserve the love that God shows to me. All of these blessings are gifts to an undeserving woman who struggles with being the person God created her to be.

So what's a girl to do with such an realization? I guess I'll just keep trying to follow Jesus, to purge the hateful bits, to show love and grace to those around me. After all, I'm only living this life and experiencing all its blessings because Somebody else has shown love and grace to me.